I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
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every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?