Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
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Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
stop
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.