The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
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If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
mom gave me mine for free
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning