Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
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Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Who did it better?
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.