[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
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Aaaa…CHOO!
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
j o i m p
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous