Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
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Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
i dont have time for this
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.