Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
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shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I鈥檓 going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry鈥檚 mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 馃槼
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Your call is very important to us, here鈥檚 six days of irritating music.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Mood.. 馃槀
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 馃檪
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Stop sending me this shit.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
All I鈥檓 saying is that just once it鈥檇 be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
ME: I heard about your wife. I鈥檓 so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she鈥檚 right here
ME: I know, and it鈥檚 true she鈥檚 just awful