Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
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Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
all bases covered
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.