Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
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I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”