Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
You Might Also Like
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?