Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
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So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.