My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
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“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Follow me for more fitness tips.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!