[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
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is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).