Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
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*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?