accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
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I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.