My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
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One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….