kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
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If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
lol
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
This could be us but you eatin’
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
ibopfufen
Don’t snitch tag.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender