Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
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[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.