My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
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Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
😂😂😂
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.