who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Spotted in New Orleans.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.