Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
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People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
What a website
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”