One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
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“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
My dream job is getting paid to dream
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Yeah. This was me today.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity