*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
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What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!