I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
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March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
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Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
sigh
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.