I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
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My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Kids: Stay in school.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.