today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
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Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
58.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Going into Monday like
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not