Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
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HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
This probably isn’t good
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing