I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
You Might Also Like
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now