Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
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My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
My wife gives the best headache.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Sticker placement is key.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.