i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
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Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.