Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
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I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA