Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
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Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
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The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
I think about this a lot
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle