4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
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AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
He wanted to make sure😂
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
pictures of spider-man
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.