I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
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hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.