I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
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Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail