Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
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Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me