we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
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A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
PLOT TWIST:
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
WHY would you be happy about this?
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.