Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
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Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?