*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
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Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
i- i did not expect this
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.