I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
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[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Life with a cat in one tweet
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
eggs benadryl
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral