I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
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It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
two people or more is called a problem
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals