Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
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Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
August 8
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Breaking news:
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed