This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
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Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Guy who likes music
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.