One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
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Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
found my next D&D character name
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Death certificates are our last participation award.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.