The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
You Might Also Like
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”