In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
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How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries