HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
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It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
What?!?
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Just ordered me some pizza!
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.