When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
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wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.