you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
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The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.