I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
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the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
good let them take over I have had enough
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.